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Day 28, 29, 30: So Long, Lonesome

This week has been super weird. But that's the way Silicon Valley works apparently. Changes happen, people come and go, and the world keeps spinning. Nothing's within my control.

Today, we had a little fiesta celebrating the end of Palm. I don't have any pictures from it, but I do have the images inside my head. Motivational speech by Palm CEO Jon Rubenstein, a short little movie made by the MarCom guys. One of those things. Got a little commemorative t-shirt from the event. I also got to pass out t-shirts... cause I'm a marketing intern.

Tomorrow is Day 1 of HP. We'll see how that goes. I don't expect to see any massive changes right away though...

Like that one guy in that play about the witches...

I've found that I've grown largely dependent. I hate myself (I don't).

Death, and the Arrousal of Key Issues

This whole death of the grandmother thing seems to have brought down a wall between my parents and me. For the time being, communicating is a little easier. Of course, I'm not sure how long this will last. Is it temporary or permanent? Is this a normal side product that typically occurs after the death of an immediate family member?

In any case, it doesn't really matter. Achieving one resolution is a significant accomplishment.

It's all water under the bridge now, baby.

Today, My Grandmother Passed Away

A sort of repost from my other blog.



World Cup 2010, Germany - Australia, 4-0
Brother's graduation, Lewisville High School, Class of 2010
The passing of my grandmother, Wichita, Kansas.

Rest in Peace, Mildred.

Profile: The Ultimate Enthusiast

It was one of those run-ins that is so strange that you feel that you just have to write about it. That, or the journalist in me is compelling me to write. Who can really tell?

I honestly hadn't run into this guy in over five years. But even when I did see him back in high school, I had never talked with him or anything. I always knew him as that guy who dated that -- and let's just throw out widely-used adjectives for the girl -- stupid, slutty freshman back when I, too, was a freshman in high school.

"Have my babies!" she would yell from over fifty feet away so that everyone could hear her. Man, did she enjoy the attention.

In any case, my brother and I are throwing around a Frisbee when I see him approaching in the distance. Initially, I think it might be a creeper wanting to join in on the game because he doesn't say or yell anything as he approaches. As he gets nearer, I then assume he is one of my brother's high school friends. I am only partly correct. He greets my brother, handshake and all. Then, as if it were some sort of an epiphany, it hits me and I realize that I, too, know this guy.

"Do you remember me?"
"Um. No." He guesses a few names, but they're all way off.
"Dave. I was in band with you."
"What instrument did you play?"
"Horn. I was a year younger."
"Sorry, I don't remember. I guess I'm just getting so old."
"No, I just never really talked to you."

He explains that he had stopped his run prematurely to see who was throwing around the Frisbee. He takes off the weights he had on and sets them down on the grass. My brother had told me previously that this guy was some sort of an alumni coach at my alma mater. Ultimate Frisbee, he coaches Ultimate Frisbee and is friends with all of my brother's friends. I always find it strange being friends with people that much younger than me. It may only be three or four academic years, but trust me when I say that there is a huge difference.

Though I knew full well that he had stopped going to a four-year university, I ask him what he was up to these days and where he was in school.

"Oh, I'm at NCTC right now."
"That's not a bad thing."
"Ya, I know. But when I think about how I should be graduating, it is."
"That's actually why I had asked you. I didn't know if you were graduating."
"What about you?"
"I just finished my third year at UT."
"You remember Ross and Kyle and them?"
"Ya, I remember."
"They're probably graduating right now. But I don't keep up with them anymore."
"Oh, why? Remember, Lisa? I think she's graduating, too. I don't know. I don't really keep up with anyone either. "
"I don't like keeping up with them because I feel like I'm so behind."

...

"I think I'm going to blog about him."
"Wait, you are? You're not going to say anything bad about him are you?"
"No."

He taught me a couple new Frisbee moves that I can now add to my repertoire.

"I probably sound like a nerd right now."
"Ya, I have no idea what you're talking about."

Upon arriving at home, I checked out his Facebook. He isn't friends with any of those people.

"He doesn't like them anymore."

Fascinating.

The Absolute Most Boring Activity

That you can do with friends is bowling. That's what I heard from someone once (God, I never remember who says things anymore). I think this statement is true 98% of the time.

But I think it all depends on the friends with whom you bowl. Yes, I think it all really just depends.

Emotional Breakdown #1

This is just to document:

That was really strange. I couldn't even help myself; it just happened. I was writing a pretty meaningful email to someone while listening to Elliott Smith's XO. The song, of course, was "Between the Bars." And then I recovered when "Angeles" ended which means the whole thing lasted a whopping 19 minutes.

Fascinating.

Goals for the future: Creating a scholarship

It seems that during the final lecture of every class I take, my professors tell me, "Figure out your goals, write them down, implement a strategy that would be most effective in realizing these goals."

So I figured I might start doing it via the blog that I have been neglecting because school and interning and work consume my life.

As my two readers may already know, I fund my education through a mix of personal loans, scholarships, and a part-time job. And to maximize my earnings, I have to budget heavily as my discretionary income is minimal. Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. So much hard work, but it'll all be worth it in the end.

They also say, "Give back." I can't even begin to think how much higher education will cost in the future. And I can't (don't want to) imagine how many students will choose not to attend because they don't think they can afford it. I mean, the numbers are pretty astounding today (I really don't have any statistical facts; I'm just basing this on my own personal experiences) so I can only imagine what they'll be like in 20-30 years.

Anyway, every time I learn I have received a scholarship (God, that makes it sound like I am always receiving them, but that is not the case), I am so grateful. My burdens lighten and I can't help but get excited, eager to write my thank you letter to the committee that selected me as a recipient.

I'm wondering already: Would I want my name attached to this scholarship? Doesn't that sound like an act of self-glorification? Shouldn't the reward be in rewarding? Maybe if I died, I wouldn't mind it being named after me as a memorial, but I just can't imagine that happening if I were alive. It's like volunteer work. Do we do it for the self-satisfaction or do we do it so we can tell others about it? Let's be honest here, it's probably both.

In any case, the few scholarships I have received have been memorial funds, which means I have never been able to meet my benefactors as they have all long passed away. I'd have loved to though. That would be a nice feeling, wouldn't it? I would imagine that meeting the recipient -- and I'm talking to my future self here -- would be the best feeling about the whole thing.

Will future self accomplish this goal? I hope so.

POST.SCRIPT.
Is this an arrogant goal? Am I really just saying that I think/hope I'll be making enough money in the future that I can actually establish a scholarship? Or does my desire to give back far outweigh this arrogance, if it even exists? No, no. That's not it at all. Why did I even bring up this point?

Lastly, goals aren't goals if they aren't time sensitive. So, let's try to have this done by the age of 50. This is plausible as I plan to not have children. YA!

Sad Polar Bear

All will fall, fall right into place

I've told myself many times in the past that everything I earn or everything that happens to me is 100% the product of my own actions and hard work.

Nowadays, I've started heavily considering a major factor in all of this that has shaken up the way in which I think about the translation of work into results - and that's chance. When everything seems to be working out the way you feel that it should, it seems strange, because I believe we're usually accustomed to the opposite happening.

Because when it does, I can't help but feel that an external force is acting upon the world. I call it chance. I'm sure others might have a different name for it.

The art of celebration

-- A fine line between boasting and genuine ecstasy.

Weeks feel like months

Lazy bones.

There is no more joy in writing

What I wonder is if there was any joy at all to start?

Back paddling up tributaries

Three semesters ago, I felt that I was going down the right path. Two semesters ago, I began meandering down some unknown tributary thinking that it was the correct thing to do.

And now, I am here in search of meaning. In a class where I felt I would find no meaning. In a class where I've realized that there is no meaning. And in this, I've learned that I must turn back.

Well, I'm back now!

And I'm moving forward as fast as I possibly can. Rebirth. Renewal. Revival.

Nothing lost, all things gained.
Time lost, skills gained.
Goals lost, goals regained.
Mind lost, soul gained.
Friends lost, happiness gained.
Prestige lost, sanity gained.
Opportunities lost, life gained.

On the verge of a nervous breakdown

Since June 2009, many things have changed, but the most recent is that I will no longer teach ESL at Casa Marianella. Nine months there. NINE! I could've gone one full year, but I just can't. And for this, I'm terribly sad.

School is absolutely consuming my life. And my internship adds extra stress by subtracting heavily from my already scarce free time.

For example, I've got a paper due tomorrow, which I'm only starting now. I will get it done, but I am sacrificing a bit of my health and mental stability for it. It's actually due at 5 p.m. which gives me more time, but guess what I'm doing between 10 and 5 tomorrow? Class for two hours... then internship.

I hope that this isn't the beginning of a meltdown for me.

As I eavesdrop, I realize

That we are all the same. That we all want the same things. That we are no different from each other.



And that everything's a crapshoot. Random draw. That one will get picked. And the others left behind. Does it matter who wants it more? Does it matter who needs it more? Does anything matter any more?

NoooOF COURSE!ooooo

Completed readings for the semester thus far

Barabbas, Pär Lagerkvist
The New Jerusalem Bible (various books from Old and New Testaments)
Phaedo, Plato
The Importance of Being Earnest, Oscar Wilde
Heartbreak House, George Bernard Shaw
An Inspector Calls, J.B. Priestley
The Winslow Boy, Terence Rattigan
Under Milk Wood, Dylan Thomas
Waiting for Godot, Samuel Beckett

I could've been a Smith...

...somewhere down the road.

Thankfully, we've got patrilineality.

And I've ended up with a far less common last name.

The dried ear corn of Sojourner Truth

Don't really know how to go about blogging these days. So, let's mix things up.

Remember that candle metaphor I used in one of my entries back then? No wax, all wane.

Celebrate the ancients

Birthdave.

Super Bowl Ads, Year 2010

I don't feel like creating another entry on blogger. Sleep transcends me.

Just visit my tumblr:

http://edmarc.tumblr.com/tagged/Super_Bowl

I'll be posting my favorite ones in the next couple of days.

On a scale from blue to white

That's about right.

Score, chore, abhor, snore, galore

I. Score
Got in! The archetypal dandy of the Victorian era! Groups: one, two, three, four; Fathers! Mothers! Young adults! Younger adults! And I with the second. The patriarch arrives -- astounded! Fill 'em up! wanders my thoughts.

2. Chore
Carry on carry on momentum moves forward unaware of the exponential amounts of energy invested in this task build build labor labor labor build beer & wine fuels me sin.

3. Abhor
Walks in. Archetypal damsel. No distress. Friends with full-length mirrors -- a house full! In every room, they walk and talk, but no reflection. Can they think?

Walks in. Archetypal bane of my existence. Fulfillment! HA. That's my purpose in the world. I want to be full. You want [your pockets] to be full. We all want to be full.

Just go. Archetypal family. Dining suits, dresses. Wine only. No BEER, SIN cerveza. Yup --

4. Snore
-- People scatter.
The arrival of the latter.
Boy now what's the matter?
Did this illusion shatter?
Rain goes pitter patter.
("Be careful, the roads are wet." / I'm sorry? / "The roads are wet. Be careful")
All this silly chatter.
What is it that I'm after?
Flatter (to deflate), flatter (to inflate), flatter (to make flat).
Lies and all disaster.
Future now a tatter.
Part 3 about a fratter.
Clink clunk clatter.

5. Galore
With needle and thread in hand, I seek to mend. Remember that scene in Kazan's A Streetcar Named Desire? When glass meets glass? Open up the vault to this echo chamber and step outside. Numbers one and two, pen in hand ready to mark off.

Close the curtains.

Ten best films of the year 2009

Might as well get it out now, since I do this annually. Here we go.

1. UP IN THE AIR

dir. Jason Reitman (USA, Paramount Pictures)


2. STILL WALKING
dir. Hirokazu Koreeda (Japan, IFC Films)


3. IN THE LOOP
dir. Armando Iannucci (UK, IFC Films)


4. FANTASTIC MR. FOX
dir. Wes Anderson (USA, 20th Centry Fox)


5. AN EDUCATION
dir. Lone Scherfig (UK, Sony Picture Classics)


6. INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
dir. Quentin Tarantino (USA/Germany, Universal Studios/Weinstein Company)


7. THE HURT LOCKER
dir. Kathryn Bigelow (USA, Summit Entertainment)


8. UP
dirs. Pete Docter & Bob Peterson (USA, Pixar Studios/Walt Disney Pictures)


9. SUMMER HOURS
dir. Olivier Assayas (France, IFC Films)


10. DISTRICT 9
dir. Neill Blomkamp (USA, TriStar Pictures)

IFC Films makes three appearances and Jason Reitman tops my list for the second time since 2007 (JUNO). THANK YOU FOR SMOKING retroactively makes the top ten for films released in 2005. Where were Fox Searchlight and Focus Features this year? Distributing pseudo-indie-hipster-pandering clichés like (500) DAYS OF SUMMER and AWAY WE GO? Sure.

5 Least favorite: Bruno, Watchmen, Humpday, Invictus, Antichrist -- in that order.

Soon, the 2010 releases I highly anticipate!

Everything that I said I wasn't, I am

We idealize because we've never been.

But you -- you are like Avatar or Dances with Wolves. A real class crusader.

All that I've loved

Gone out the window.

Invasion.

No bells or whistles

I'm writing a fairly straightforward blog entry this time around because I wish to document those bands I saw at Club de Ville tonight. Because in all honesty, I'm bound to forget who they are. Danny Malone, Crawling with Kings...

Two others whose names I've already forgotten. Thankfully, my friend Caitlin'll have them.

In other words, I get Mad Men Season 1 Discs 1&2 in the mail later today (Monday, Jan 11, 2010). I cannot wait for them to arrive. Much of my time these next few days will be spent with my laptop, Jon Hamm, January Jones and some wonderful production design.

The Lovely Bones, Peter Jackson's not too well-received adaptation of the Alice Sebold novel, is in store for me in the near future (Tuesday the 12th). I'm glad I'll be at a screening for it because I'm not sure I'd pay to see it in theaters. The novel, which I had hoped to read before watching the film, sits beside my left foot untouched for many many months in a shelf full of all the other books I haven't read yet. One day, I will. At the moment, I'm catching up on my film/television.

I think that after Tuesday, I'll be ready to compile my favorites of 2009.

I joke repeatedly of xanax

The blood turns the clear waters a dark shade of crimson.

Submerged & defeated.

I still love you, Colt McCoy.

A gift from the artificer

My wings are made of wax. Compliments of the innovator himself.

We will not fall into the tides.