Emotional Breakdown #1

This is just to document:

That was really strange. I couldn't even help myself; it just happened. I was writing a pretty meaningful email to someone while listening to Elliott Smith's XO. The song, of course, was "Between the Bars." And then I recovered when "Angeles" ended which means the whole thing lasted a whopping 19 minutes.

Fascinating.

Goals for the future: Creating a scholarship

It seems that during the final lecture of every class I take, my professors tell me, "Figure out your goals, write them down, implement a strategy that would be most effective in realizing these goals."

So I figured I might start doing it via the blog that I have been neglecting because school and interning and work consume my life.

As my two readers may already know, I fund my education through a mix of personal loans, scholarships, and a part-time job. And to maximize my earnings, I have to budget heavily as my discretionary income is minimal. Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. So much hard work, but it'll all be worth it in the end.

They also say, "Give back." I can't even begin to think how much higher education will cost in the future. And I can't (don't want to) imagine how many students will choose not to attend because they don't think they can afford it. I mean, the numbers are pretty astounding today (I really don't have any statistical facts; I'm just basing this on my own personal experiences) so I can only imagine what they'll be like in 20-30 years.

Anyway, every time I learn I have received a scholarship (God, that makes it sound like I am always receiving them, but that is not the case), I am so grateful. My burdens lighten and I can't help but get excited, eager to write my thank you letter to the committee that selected me as a recipient.

I'm wondering already: Would I want my name attached to this scholarship? Doesn't that sound like an act of self-glorification? Shouldn't the reward be in rewarding? Maybe if I died, I wouldn't mind it being named after me as a memorial, but I just can't imagine that happening if I were alive. It's like volunteer work. Do we do it for the self-satisfaction or do we do it so we can tell others about it? Let's be honest here, it's probably both.

In any case, the few scholarships I have received have been memorial funds, which means I have never been able to meet my benefactors as they have all long passed away. I'd have loved to though. That would be a nice feeling, wouldn't it? I would imagine that meeting the recipient -- and I'm talking to my future self here -- would be the best feeling about the whole thing.

Will future self accomplish this goal? I hope so.

POST.SCRIPT.
Is this an arrogant goal? Am I really just saying that I think/hope I'll be making enough money in the future that I can actually establish a scholarship? Or does my desire to give back far outweigh this arrogance, if it even exists? No, no. That's not it at all. Why did I even bring up this point?

Lastly, goals aren't goals if they aren't time sensitive. So, let's try to have this done by the age of 50. This is plausible as I plan to not have children. YA!

Sad Polar Bear

All will fall, fall right into place

I've told myself many times in the past that everything I earn or everything that happens to me is 100% the product of my own actions and hard work.

Nowadays, I've started heavily considering a major factor in all of this that has shaken up the way in which I think about the translation of work into results - and that's chance. When everything seems to be working out the way you feel that it should, it seems strange, because I believe we're usually accustomed to the opposite happening.

Because when it does, I can't help but feel that an external force is acting upon the world. I call it chance. I'm sure others might have a different name for it.

The art of celebration

-- A fine line between boasting and genuine ecstasy.

Weeks feel like months

Lazy bones.