Goals for the future: Creating a scholarship

It seems that during the final lecture of every class I take, my professors tell me, "Figure out your goals, write them down, implement a strategy that would be most effective in realizing these goals."

So I figured I might start doing it via the blog that I have been neglecting because school and interning and work consume my life.

As my two readers may already know, I fund my education through a mix of personal loans, scholarships, and a part-time job. And to maximize my earnings, I have to budget heavily as my discretionary income is minimal. Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. So much hard work, but it'll all be worth it in the end.

They also say, "Give back." I can't even begin to think how much higher education will cost in the future. And I can't (don't want to) imagine how many students will choose not to attend because they don't think they can afford it. I mean, the numbers are pretty astounding today (I really don't have any statistical facts; I'm just basing this on my own personal experiences) so I can only imagine what they'll be like in 20-30 years.

Anyway, every time I learn I have received a scholarship (God, that makes it sound like I am always receiving them, but that is not the case), I am so grateful. My burdens lighten and I can't help but get excited, eager to write my thank you letter to the committee that selected me as a recipient.

I'm wondering already: Would I want my name attached to this scholarship? Doesn't that sound like an act of self-glorification? Shouldn't the reward be in rewarding? Maybe if I died, I wouldn't mind it being named after me as a memorial, but I just can't imagine that happening if I were alive. It's like volunteer work. Do we do it for the self-satisfaction or do we do it so we can tell others about it? Let's be honest here, it's probably both.

In any case, the few scholarships I have received have been memorial funds, which means I have never been able to meet my benefactors as they have all long passed away. I'd have loved to though. That would be a nice feeling, wouldn't it? I would imagine that meeting the recipient -- and I'm talking to my future self here -- would be the best feeling about the whole thing.

Will future self accomplish this goal? I hope so.

POST.SCRIPT.
Is this an arrogant goal? Am I really just saying that I think/hope I'll be making enough money in the future that I can actually establish a scholarship? Or does my desire to give back far outweigh this arrogance, if it even exists? No, no. That's not it at all. Why did I even bring up this point?

Lastly, goals aren't goals if they aren't time sensitive. So, let's try to have this done by the age of 50. This is plausible as I plan to not have children. YA!

There is no more joy in writing

What I wonder is if there was any joy at all to start?

Back paddling up tributaries

Three semesters ago, I felt that I was going down the right path. Two semesters ago, I began meandering down some unknown tributary thinking that it was the correct thing to do.

And now, I am here in search of meaning. In a class where I felt I would find no meaning. In a class where I've realized that there is no meaning. And in this, I've learned that I must turn back.

Well, I'm back now!

And I'm moving forward as fast as I possibly can. Rebirth. Renewal. Revival.

Nothing lost, all things gained.
Time lost, skills gained.
Goals lost, goals regained.
Mind lost, soul gained.
Friends lost, happiness gained.
Prestige lost, sanity gained.
Opportunities lost, life gained.

On the verge of a nervous breakdown

Since June 2009, many things have changed, but the most recent is that I will no longer teach ESL at Casa Marianella. Nine months there. NINE! I could've gone one full year, but I just can't. And for this, I'm terribly sad.

School is absolutely consuming my life. And my internship adds extra stress by subtracting heavily from my already scarce free time.

For example, I've got a paper due tomorrow, which I'm only starting now. I will get it done, but I am sacrificing a bit of my health and mental stability for it. It's actually due at 5 p.m. which gives me more time, but guess what I'm doing between 10 and 5 tomorrow? Class for two hours... then internship.

I hope that this isn't the beginning of a meltdown for me.

Completed readings for the semester thus far

Barabbas, Pär Lagerkvist
The New Jerusalem Bible (various books from Old and New Testaments)
Phaedo, Plato
The Importance of Being Earnest, Oscar Wilde
Heartbreak House, George Bernard Shaw
An Inspector Calls, J.B. Priestley
The Winslow Boy, Terence Rattigan
Under Milk Wood, Dylan Thomas
Waiting for Godot, Samuel Beckett

December is the Ultimate

Ultimate, not meaning the greatest but the last.

The last of many, many things. It's the ultimate month of this decade. It's the ultimate day of school (excluding finals of course). It's the ultimate minute that I will get to see some great professors.

We just had a sending off for Dr. Charles Rossman, Joyce Scholar and UT English Professor. Great, great guy - super enthusiastic about Joyce, embracing of his students, and obviously loved by his family: two kids, one who graduated from Law school, the other with an MD, both of whom traveled from Houston to sit it on his ultimate day of teaching, documenting with a cute little point-and-shoot the ultimate hour that he will share with young minds the wealth of knowledge and the years of research he possesses on Joyce. And this woman, who I mistook for someone simply wanting to return to college for reasons that I presumed to be a desire to increase her literary knowledge -- well, it turns out that this is his wife. She sat through the entire class and read through Ulysses for the second time in her life just so that she can spend with him his ultimate semester as a Joyce Scholar at the University of Texas.

This is me being sentimental and slightly envious. Envious because - well, have you seen those movies? Wonder Boys, The Squid and the Whale? I wonder if student-professor relations actually blossom the way they do in these films. Not exactly the way they unfold in these films, of course. But I mean, do they bloom? Do students (particularly undergraduates) actually form long-term real relationships with their professors?

Anyways, this is one reason why I'm really glad I'm graduating with a liberal degree here at UT. How can a student really relate to a professor on things like marketing strategies? Or multi-variable calculus? Or fluorescent microscopy? Or MATLAB (say what!?)? I don't think a student can. Beautiful humanities.

I'm feeling quite sentimental right now. It's December. It's snowing like mad in Houston. Biting, cold wind here in Austin with all 750,000 residents hoping and wishing for but one snowflake. One little snowflake. I woke up at 5:00 a.m. before the sun rose and listened to The National. It's the ultimate day of the preantepenultimate semester of my penultimate year of college. And this is me documenting this morning. If I'm this sentimental now, I wonder what the ultimate day of the ultimate semester of my ultimate year here will be for me. Guess, we'll have to see.

Ultimately, I want to say that I'm very sorry that you all will not be able to take Professor Rossman's James Joyce course. My apologies indeed.

And as one ultimate reminder for all those who may stumble upon this entry:
Remember, Madam, I never eat muscatel grapes.

September's Embers Rekindle then Dwindle

Start of the new school year. What does this mean? WELL, after a fantastic summer working as a staff photographer for The Daily Texan, I have decided that it would not be in my well-being (aka my health) to continue in a paid position this semester given my heavy work/course load. I talked with my very rational photo editor and we decided that I could apply as a volunteer instead. No commitments and no obligations, but I'll still be able to come shoot when I can. I think this will be good because otherwise, I would stop taking pictures and I would be deeply saddened by this.

Unfortunately, becoming a volunteer would also mean I would probably not have the opportunity to do sports. Maybe next semester? At least, I was able to dip my toe this past summer, photographing an open practice the football team had. It was an enjoyable experience, too.


Above is the photo that was printed in the paper. Not bad for my first time? Wish I could have more opportunities. Oh, the wealth of opportunities that comes along with working for the newspaper. That's one of the biggest things I'll miss -- the opportunities, experiencing things I normally never would.

Digression: I should probably upload these onto my newly-created flickr (check the sidebar for a link). I feel like I'm on every Web 2.0 website ever created. It's hard managing them all, but I gotta do what I can.

Positive Note: I can get involved with other organizations on campus and in the community. I decided to continue teaching ESL at Casa Marianella. And I'm also weighing out the pros & cons of getting involved with three other organizations on campus -- trying to figure out which ones fit my interests/schedule best.

Side note: My stint at B-Side ends this week. Texas Monthly begins next week. Keeping the momentum rolling!